Fog of Confusion

Something has changed inside of me recently. I am not the girl I was when I began this new chapter of my post graduate life. There was so much thick, smoggy doubt clouding my eyes with black fears and drowning confusions. But not anymore. I felt the beginnings of such a change come upon me time to time before…but it wasn’t until these past months of my life did I snap forward through the air like a rubber band and completely leave behind parts of the Jennie I have spent 25 years with.

The last boy I cared about, let’s call him Harold (though I'm sure he doesn't read my blog anymore he shall be called Harold, nonetheless.) Harold helped open the door in my brain. In mostly all respects, he was not at all my “typical choice” in a young man. He was mild and sweet when I longed for aggressive and challenging. He was accepting and contented when I wanted opinionated and progressive. He was quiet when I wanted commotion. He was slow when I wanted fast. He was simple when I wanted complicated. But that was what made this entire experience with Harold so interesting—he was totally the opposite of what I thought I wanted…and now I realize how much I want the sorts of things I never dreamed I would want.

Harold sparked seeds of questions. Those questions turned into deep thoughts. And those deep thoughts turned into revelation. What really mattered in a relationship? It is honor, truth, and purity of heart; it is faithfulness, love, peace, and joy; it is quiet souls, passionate hearts, and submissive and hard-working hands—I could go on and on! It is these which make the foundation of a match truly nestled in God’s heart. Harold had a very specific purpose in my life, I believe. He was a sort of gateway into a new mindset; an opening up of a new day within my life.

Suddenly, I feel insurmountable joy because for the first time in my entire life I know exactly what I wanted in a man! This beautiful intimacy with God is now my first and prior desire above all else. If there is a man who does not naturally flow into, nourish, and encourage this intimacy then he is not worth a moment’s thought. Because I would dare nothing to enter into my life that would take a teaspoon of this devotion away. And with that conviction, I am serenely satisfied.

The fog of confusion cleared away with the rising of the sun. All the plaguing questions of who I should marry, whether I should date, what to look for in a man—all vanished! Because God is going to lead me where I ought to go. Time no longer matters because it is in God’s perfect hands. I wish I might bottle up this wisdom and understanding I have found and give it away to all my dear friends. But, alas, you must learn it on your own and only through the grace of God will you receive it.

Sometimes my heart still aches over Harold. Whatever he is inside regardless, to me he represented a beautiful dream I never imagined I deserved. It seemed so cruel and so wrong to be taunted with such a happy dream only to have it ripped away. But, I suppose, the farther away from that situation I traverse the clearer it too shall become. What if Harold was simply a test from God? God, asking me, "Jennie, how much do you love me?" Would I be willing to give up my beautiful dream for Him? Was I willing to die to myself, so I might live for Christ? If I never felt the love and adoration of an earthly man, never had the joy of his sweet words, would I still wholeheartedly give my life to God? Yes! Yes! I would! The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I think I was amazingly blessed to know Harold. He gave me the chance to be saved by my dear, loving Savior, and  many life changing lessons God, through him, taught me.


I almost want to dedicate a book to him or erect some kind of a pillar in his honor.

I never realized life could be so happy. I tried to grasp onto what I thought was happiness with Harold, but God took me away and showed me what it felt like to grasp onto happiness with Him. And even when surrounded by pain, the unknown, and struggles, it is possible to feel such incredible, freeing joy! I never would have believed so much of the old, doubting, faithless, sad Jennie could be conquered. So much of the confusion has cleared away, because, quite simply, I know where I am going now!

What a blessed Father we have!