The Horrid Tale Of How I Died.

Well, obviously I did not die and no, I do not think myself a cow. I did however feel like I had brushed paths with the infernos of Satan.  Let me explain: It all started the other day when I was grocery shopping. I had in my cart burger mayo sauce, allergy pills, and three small jalapenos. When I went through the checkout my order came to $6.66. The cashier shook his head in apprehension, the bagger lady urged me to buy a stick of gum because the number was cursed. I laughed and shook my head. I don’t believe in superstition! In fact, I thought the whole thing rather droll. It was rather odd that this happened, for when counting customers at work earlier that day I had wished I would have reached 666 when my boss kept checking our numbers. It would have at least gotten an ironic chuckle. And then, strangely  enough the devilish number visited me later that day. When I got home, I pulled the items out of my bag and laughed heartily to my sister,

                “Emily!” said I, “This purchase came to $6.66! This means one of these items are going to kill me!”  Oh, foolish girl. Little did I know how true this would be!

                I put away the pills, I tested the new burger sauce mayo, and then we started supper. I began to chop up one of my jalapenos to put in my burger. I sniffed them and thought, “Man, these don’t smell spicy. They just smell like green peppers." So I proceeded to touch one to the tip of my tongue—

                Oh! The fiery wrath of the vegetable! It nearly melted my tongue! I drank a little milk to help soothe the burn. It was hot…very hot indeed. Perhaps I wouldn’t put too many into my burger. So, waiting for Emily to get the burgers ready I went into my room and did some work. I scratched my nose. Then slowly, like the creeping powers of some dark and sinister force, a burning like I had never before felt spread across my skin. Just one little touch to my nose swept like a forest fire across my face until, quite literally my nose, my lips, inside my nose, my chin, everything was burning like an inferno. Tears were streaming down my face. Soap and water did not get rid of it. Ice made it worse. So after doing some quick and panicked research, I found the remedy. I soaked my face in cool milk…then vegetable oil…then finally sour cream. Yes, I felt and looked very much like a salad at that point…but finally the burning cooled and after about an hour it was completely gone.

So what lesson did I learn? Jalapenos ought to come with warning labels. If you do not have mace, use ripe, old jalapenos. Dairy products subdue burning—if you do not have dairy they say call the poison control (totally serious.) And finally, always, ALWAYS wear gloves when cutting peppers. It spreads like disease once touched. Perhaps, I might have been too cocky when mocking the powers of Satan. I don’t at all believe that black cats, “666,” Friday the 13^th, and other omens are really from Satan. They are just silly things man created. But I have noticed in my life, sometimes when I tease Satan, arrogantly saying, “bring it on!” he usually does… and it isn’t pretty. Thank goodness I have God on my side who can sweep in and provide the cooling milk of his word to combat the fires of Satan! What a silly, foolish human I would be without him! So dear readers, I would recommend you stay away from peppers. If you can't help it, then please...use gloves and good sense!