I Miss you, Dear God

I had terrifying dreams last night. I can’t quite understand where I was or who I was with, but I was in a house and the quiet, tension which disturbs the air before a storm was very much tangible. I can’t remember the exact plot of the dream, (if dreams indeed have plots) but I recall the house I was in suddenly turning over and over and over and over—it wouldn’t stop. I recall how greatly unnatural this was and the dizzying emotion of pandemonium filled my blood. Then in the distance, dark storm clouds swirled and ripped through the colorless, empty skies. I remember feeling above any emotion—above the sickening fear in my stomach—the panic of guilt; I had done something awful and terribly wrong. Dark, dragon shaped clouds suddenly appeared much too close to me and in my alarm I realized that they were chasing me, trying to swallow me. It was a dreadful dream. Later in this place, I concluded that it must be the end of the world. I was terrified thinking that God was soon coming, perhaps I was not ready, perhaps he was going to take me home, perhaps I wasn’t saved like I thought I was—and such fear overtook me in my dream. I had not felt such a fear since the dreams I had in the days before I was baptized. And that is when it dawns on you, the terrifying realization that when you cross the veil into eternity, you will cross it alone. All your deeds lay bare before you, all your actions exposed—there is no turning back, no negotiating. Your life will speak for itself and God will either welcome you into his arms or—I shudder at the thought—turn you away. It frightens me to think of such a place. And we forget the fragility of human life… we are but a vapor…a whisper consumed by eternity.

What heavy thoughts! What a dark dream! What an awful way to spend a night. No wonder I am so tired. 

But lately, I have not felt intimate with God. And in lately, I mean in the past four or five days. Deep inside, my love is still all there, but my fleshly spirit is tired and unable to rouse the excitement and eagerness it takes to feel close to God. With my great imagination, sometimes God seems more like a beautiful story than reality. What an awful thing to feel! I wish that he were more alive in my life, I wish he could talk with me, and walk with me in the mornings. Not being close with God hurts deeper than anything. My life only makes sense when God is my close friend. When I get busy, or comfortable, or distracted I feel like He drifts away from me. How wretched it all is. Some days, fighting to be close to him seems too exhausting and I long to simply be in heaven where I might never struggle with this human heart again. I feel like we are so easily polluted by the world, our eyes so easily cast aside.  

I dearly wish I might meet more Christians…even Christians I know sometimes don’t seem to realize how quickly this life is spent, how easily they smear their reflection of Christ, how important it is be a light to others—I grow so world weary. I feel like it takes all my strength some days to not be consumed into the temporal joys and the glided emptiness of worldly pleasures. Some days I just seriously miss God. Some days I just want to go Home. 

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“If I am to live in the flesh that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.” Philippians 1:22-24 

“For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”  Isaiah 41:13