The Art of Imperfection

As usual, I have crossed the finish line of the week and soaring onto plains of ecstasy that usually enrapture my spirit Friday afternoon around 3 o’clock, I become very happy. But then, as usual, after that dreamlike flight upon the heavenly boughs of weekend freedom, my joyful stupor is cleared away by the coming of Saturday afternoon... in which I sit staring dully out the window, chewing over that all too familiar question:

“Jennie, what are you doing with your life?”

How can life be as perfect as possible? How can I enjoy my weekend to the absolute fullest? Am I doing everything right?

The general state within my head is a box full of unsorted emotions, a to-do list of dreams, and, most prominently, a vague feeling of being not quite satisfied in life. It is as if some object hangs within a phantom sphere, just waiting for me to figure out what it is. It is the elusive promise that whispers to me, "If you can just figure out this mysterious elixir of life you will be completely satisfied forever."  This mystical knowledge though, eludes me. I thought it might be found at Wal-mart, I thought it might be found in a book, in a paragraph of proses, in the vacuum cleaner or at my beading table. I thought if I learned how to be better, I would feel better. But actually...I usually feel worse. There must be some cliched secret of happiness that just hasn’t clicked yet.

You know, in college you are supposed to figure out your future and what you want to do with your life. But somehow I missed that important class. And it caused me so much agony, the not knowing, that I really hated me on the inside. But I think that is just the catch, isn’t it? Before you can learn how to live well in the world, you need to learn how to live well inside yourself. It seems the daily torment of the perfectionist is trying so hard to do everything right, that you end up doing everything wrong! It's paralyzing.

Life is about making mistakes! Life is about changing your mind. Life is about being strong enough to say you are weak and honest enough to admit you don’t have a clue. I mean, how else will you learn the difference between what you think is best and what really is best? I feel so envious of people who can actually make a good, old fashioned mistake—admit it, learn from it, and move on without pining over it or analyzing it for years.

So what sort of treatment is there for people who are plagued by perfection? For in all actuality, the noble charge of a perfectionist is the the endless quest for the unachievable. And that can be rather maddening.

All I can come up with this saturday is the long, lost words of an old English teacher: 

"Forget about being perfect. You'll avoid having ulcers and you will live longer."

So here's to today: To not being perfect. To not having it all figured out. To writing a not so perfect blog entry. To having bad grammer, to having mispelled words, about not knowing everything, not having a list, not having a goal.... Not having a single clue.

Today will be about listening to Christmas songs too early. Blowing bubbles in my strawberry milk. Making a mess. Singing off key. Having coffee after my bedtime. Saying something stupid and not caring. Letting my drawers stay unorganized. Today will be about looking boldly at the clock without guilt that I am wasting a perfectly good day of freedom. 

Today I will not figure out my life. Today I will practice the art of imperfection. <3

 

The older I get the more I realize there is no need to rush. No rush to get married, no rush to accomplish everything, no rush to find that mystical ‘happily ever after.’ Because all that really matters in life is God and doing His work. And nothing about His labor makes you feel lonely or impatient or unsatisfied. It is beautifully perfect. ♥

Do What You are Afraid To Do

A new chapter begins in many people's lives this week. At close of which, I find my usual philosophic verbiage threatening to choke me if I do not release a few quick thoughts. First of all, I cannot feel too grateful of the chance I have to be here. This really is a beautiful place; a sort of cocoon of safety I feel it is.

For the past few weeks a single phrase has been running through my mind. Mystically as it entered, even more mystically it has somehow become ingrained as a fixed, immovable epitaph carved into my character:

Do what you are afraid to do.

My resilience this week has been nothing short of mind-blowing. For a melodramatic, worryaholic I cannot believe how I have been able to not only survive the week—but nay! I have smiled and laughed and sailed through it with joy! There are so many beautiful people in my life! I have enjoyed so many parts of it that there really is no excuse for a long, dreary monologue of my dark misfortunes or tragic deprivations of a peaceful heart. (Mostly because there is a deprivation of deprivations, if that makes any sense!)
 
Simply the fact remains: the formidable blow for which I had been waiting has not struck. The axe has not fallen, the heart has not cracked under pressure, and the mind has not discovered any empty pockets of longing nor whipped together the lethal mixture of self-pity and ingratitude.

Upon the threshold of this new chapter of my life, there were a few, prodigiously marked fears that stormed the tranquility of my mind. One fear I discovered was not a fear at all. Though it has drained quite a bit of my energy it has been hemmed with love, pleasure, laughter, and a very unexpected feeling of familiarity and comfort. The other fear has, again, turned out to be not a fear at all! But a reason to rejoice! A victory! A feeling of beautiful escape and freedom. And, I might add with a sly little smile, the enchantments have worn so quickly away that the whole of it looks extremely ridiculous to me now. I would not wish it back for the world!

I venture a guess at what magically transformed all this dread into happy butterflies and contented smiles. I can say—without a doubt—that God must be the master behind the scene. He must be the author of this little story of my life. He must have sprinkled magical dust on my silly, dramatic heart and calmed it as only divine intervention can do.

My advice to the world today is this: Do what you are afraid to do.

If you think about it logically, if you do so often what strikes fear in your heart, after a while, you won’t be afraid any longer. Then you shall be powerful and strong and—dare I say—incredibly well-equipped to fight the harder foes of this world!

And really, most of the time, the fear of something is much greater than the object itself. It reminds me of the verse:

“I, yes I, am the one who comforts you.

So why are you afraid of mere humans,

who wither like the grass and disappear?

Yet you have forgotten the Lord, your Creator,

the one who stretched out the sky like a canopy

and laid the foundations of the earth.

Will you remain in constant dread of human oppressors?

Will you continue to fear the anger of your enemies?

Where is their fury and anger now?

It is gone!” Is. 51:12-13

Why Life is Awesome #6

Is it really possible to be this happy? What an incredible week!!

For so long I had so much fear about things in my life and in the twinkling of a beautiful brave moment they vanished entirely.

Oh goodness how can a person feel so much happiness and not explode? God has been so good to me in such indescribable ways...I lead a humble, quiet sort of life--but I feel richer than a king today. I feel like a ridiculous girl in love! Or a child at Christmas! I am so happy!

 Whoever knew the heart could feel such joy?

Oh what a glorious day! I dare say nothing will give me a frown!

Finding Contentment In All Things....

Mingled within the cool of the night breeze, my soul was captivated by the delicious smell of pine and burning wood. It was a sweet night; humble, soft, little stars peppered the deep blue skies. My every sense was overwhelmed. The air was magical; with every deep drink I drew in I became more inspired to be alive. It was an enlightening moment and I knew that I was on the brink of learning a very important sort of lesson.

I have felt distress lately about not knowing where to live. In a very short while I might be making a more permanent place of my home. I always felt that if I came back to my home state, I would be lonely, never get married, never be happy, or half a million other dark fears.

But this trip has changed all that. I realize how much I miss just being home. I miss the fresh air. I miss the people. I miss being surrounded by lakes and rolling hills and beautiful forests. When I am home I enjoy clarity of mind and the feeling of safety. And for all my doubts about Michigan, my perspective has magically been rejuvenated.

And as for the fears of never getting married or finding someone, it's beginning to dawn on me that when the time is right God will make it happen! All the people who have impacted the greatest change on my life have been introduced to me in some mysterious, sort of unavoidable way. I know this to be true because I actually tried to avoid one of these people, but he persisted until he got my number. But who would have known that little incident would have inevitably lead to me deciding to go to college down south? And how I was so incredibly blessed with that decision!


Crazy, how one thing leads to another, eh?

So I have determined within myself that I shall not worry about getting married. Until I find that someone who I feel crazy about...someone who I feel is my equal, a best friend I can admit into the thoughts of my heart, why worry about anyone else? I've never felt that way about a person and really, it only needs to happen once, right? Such a man will be quite obvious to me, I think. Now is the time to grow and work on my own heart and prepare myself to be who I am going to be for the rest of my life.

And I feel quite happy about this.

It is a very relieving thought when you decide to fall in love when you are ready, not when you are lonely. I suppose I am not extremely lonely, more anxious to get my life settled than actual loneliness. Sometimes, I get the hint that the little aches inside my heart has nothing to do with finding earthly love. Sometimes, I believe it is simply the aches of this life, the longing to be with God, longing to have a stronger faith, the longing to know him, and the realization that this world is not my home; these make up the most painful stings inside my chest. And these feelings will never be fully done away with until I get to go to my true home with God.


And with this too, I feel quite reconciled.

I have learned a good deal how to be patient. There is no hurry in life when you know God is directing you. If God does not change your surroundings, pray that he will change your attitude. With all the little worries about life, the wondering where you will live or what you will do with yourself, we must always remember--our true home is not here! One day we'll understand. One day all those little aches will be gone.

And until that day, I will be joyful and still; at peace and overwhelmingly blessed. God gave me beautiful pine trees, warm sunlight, coffee in the quiet morning, and lots of people to love and help--how could I ever be unhappy?

=)

"I know this, "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

^"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:11-13

^"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Eph 3:20-21

Happiness!

Some moments, many moments lately,  I have bursts of overpowering joy. I feel so incredibly blessed by God. At times I just let myself fall completely in wonder of his presence. Something I have learned: Through all the trials of this life one thing is for sure, God never leaves us! And he has a special, beautiful plan for each of us. Lately, I have felt God's overwhelming presence and guidance in my life. And I began to feel this way as soon as I stopped trying to figure out how. As soon as I let go and began to believe in the impossible, did I find that it had all become possible! I feel freedom from pains that kept me chained up for so long. I feel joy in knowing the simple truth of God, his steady love, and the assurance that it only takes faith to make the impossible, possible.

 God created so many wonderful, happy things! Life can be so amazing if we chose to view it as such.

<3

Why Life is Awesome #5

Why Michigan is ten million times better than Arkansas...

We have been home for a week and a half now and I must say: its been absolutely amazing. After such a hot, stupidly hot, summer this place is a drink of cool water. 

I've gotten new glasses so now I can see. I have gotten my teeth fixed so now the terror of my summer is over. I have restocked my bead supplies, played on the monkey bars, fallen in love again with my beautiful, quiet, amazingly handsome eye doctor, sold another piece of jewelry, and have eaten lots of pie. I have had an amazing time with my mom and sister--and it always seems after that initial "I can't live here!" clash of wills, attitude subsides I seem to actually feel rather happy here. 

I use to think I'd stay in Searcy longer...but I am beginning to change my mind. I am tired of it. I am tired of the fake sincerity I find down south. I am tired of the road systems, the lack of craft stores, the bugs the size of Texas...

I miss all the beautiful Great Lakes, the rugged landscapes, the cool breezes... I miss being around my family. I miss being so close to civilization. I miss my little cousins. 

I love my insane family...

Funny, I never thought I'd actually want to return here. But that summer in Searcy changed me. Home has been a changing thing over the years. We've drifted as nomads, never feeling settled, never feeling at home. But I am ready for that to change. I want to be home, wherever that might be. In one place. No more moving around. No more devastating problems. No more unhappiness. No more being divided. For the first time in nearly four years, I am ready to go home!

Michigan isn't nearly as sad and depressing as I remember it...in fact it has been absolutely delightful and refreshing! It makes me wonder if such a thing is simply a matter of perspective...in that case, one might be happy anywhere in the world if only they decide it to be that way!

Letting Little Things Bother You

In the neat and tidy corner of my mind, I tinker and toy with a few thoughts. I think about the story I am writing…wondering where the rebel horse Esperanza will go after she’s broken free from the palace; or how to cleverly introduce my hero into the story without him tripping over a few holes I’ve forgotten to fill in along the plot. I think about the upcoming week, how I will ever make it through work knowing that my family, kittens, a pool, Hobby Lobby, and three weeks of 24/7 freedom wait on the other side… I also think about this weird headache in my head and wonder if any moment I might plop over dead from a mysterious illness that no one had ever heard of.

All of them, however, fail to distract me from the naughty, unpleasant little sprite that keeps throwing pens and wads of paper and my green flip flops at my head. It should be something that a mature, wise, noble 25 year old could easily ignore. I’ve had much greater things thrown at me. But sometimes it’s those little things, the paper clip in your eye or the hanger that hits you just right on your elbow that cause the angriest kind of frustration. I mean, anyone can battle a furious tiger on their way to the mail box. There is great honor and adventure and bravery in such battles!

But it is humiliating to acknowledge that something as small and insignificant as a tiny, sprite flicking erasers at you would get under your skin enough to rouse such volcanic anger. An annoying gnat buzzing around your head, dropping your toast on the jelly side, running out of gas, getting a paper cut, being fussed at, someone acting petty, a tear in your nylons,  someone stealing your parking spot--all of those tiny, minuscule, frustrating, aggravating little things that try to just push us over the edge...can really do just that.

Great, wise people—the ones who are usually dead—give us lots of cliched, sage-like tips on how to combat the little nuisances of life. They tell us to let go, to wait, to have patience, to stop seeking happiness and let it come to you, to smile, to laugh more, to dance in the rain, to forgive—and to love. Somehow love seems to be the panacea to every problem in the entire world. Love everybody and everything will be okay. They are all pretty thoughts…but how do you turn them into actions? How do you love people who really, quite honestly, make you unhappy or angry? How do you wait a year when you think you cannot wait another second? How do you feel happy when there is a storm inside of you?

And really, how do you ignore those pestering, annoying, mind-maddening, bamboozling little sprites when they just simply will not leave you alone?

If I had a magical sock that would sing you the truth—opera style— every time you wore it on your hand and asked it the secrets of the universe, I could probably tell you the answer to all those questions easily. As it is, however, that I am clean out of magical socks (that nasty little sprite has stolen them) I will just find resolution upon this idea:

That the more you grow and the more you experience, the more you mellow out…the more you realize just how silly it is to get so upset over little things. You fail to find the reasons, which seemed so earth shattering before, that made you a mess. And you begin to realize you have more power than you think. You can be confident, you can be strong, because you realize that you are perfectly able to handle the daily troubles of this life. And when the little sprite rubs its hands together in devilish glee and heaves  a toaster,your way you, for the first time in your life, are able to choose whether or not you shall grab the imp and lock him up in the drawer or display your control of self by simply ignoring him altogether.

Some people never get to this place…others do. I will get there one day. Perseverance and faith is the key.

Faith gives you the hope that the next day will not be so bad. Perseverance gives you the strength to actually carry it out. How do you get perseverance and faith? I don’t feel them as often as I’d like, and it is only by the grace of God that I feel them at all. The more you are put in situations that test your strength, the stronger you will become. You don't just get perseverance by wishing for it or praying desperately to God...no, instead God sends you boot camp obstacles to train you and make you fit. The greatest things in life usually take the greatest effort. And if we keep at it, never give up, we will win in the end.

So when little things are bothering you, remember that they won't always bother you. Someday it will all make sense. Someday you will laugh at how upset you got, but you will understand why you did. Never give up. Push through a rough day. Sometimes you will sweat the small stuff… but that doesn't mean you'll always sweat the small stuff.

At least this is what I believe… I’ve let ridiculous things bother me and usually end up laughing about it some time later.  Have patience with yourself. You'll get there soon if you never give up! You know what they say, “All good things come to those who ignore sprites…”

Or something like that…

The Doldrums of Summer: When Life Seems to Be Going No Where

Haven't really had much to say lately. This picture pretty much sums up how I've been feeling for the past few weeks.

I feel as though I am hibernating!

Perhaps next week when I go home, I will be shaken out of these drugged summertime doldrums.Part of me gets a little depressed by this lackadaisical writer's block. Writing is so much a part of me, that when I can't express I feel that a vivid color or two has drained from the portrait of my personality.

I suppose we all feel this way about things...life gets you too busy and you can't find time to enjoy things in the deep and satisfying ways of Old... or perhaps you are just too tired after a long day of work...or simply, maybe you've entered into a different era of your life and new hobbies or tasks occupy your time. Whatever the case, I understand this can all give birth to that all too familiar discontented sigh.

In times like these, you need to just sit back, relax, and count your blessings. Pray that God will open your eyes to what he has done for you, for what he has created for your pleasure, and, perhaps, All the potentially distressing things he has chosen to protect you from...

I think we find God in simple, humble things. Such as the soft morning light of a new day... or the silence of the first fall of snow... or the gentle breeze that seems to answer a question within your heart. I find God in the roaring, wild, power of the ocean. I find God's intricacy in the vastness of the universe, in complexity of an eye, in the creative myriad of sea creatures.

When I get down or depressed or (like lately) simply lackluster-ish, I always try to thank God for all the beautiful things he has created. He makes the sun rise, he gives us breath, he teaches us lessons in his magnificent creation,  he makes us be still and quiet, he makes us passionate and courageous... he gives us mercy and hope and joy and salvation... I fall pray too often to the spirit of ingratitude, of distraction, and faithlessness. But all days won't be like that...
 

Life has up's and down's, sleepy days and busy days, stormy nights and refreshing mornings. But our joy is that no matter what, God remains faithful, constant, steady, and always there for us. And take heart that no matter where you are in life, no matter how confusing or challenging or busy or exhausting life is, God is there. God is listening. God has a definite plan for your life. And when it seems you are going nowhere, remember that God's thoughts, ways, and plans are bigger than ours. Have faith!

Times of doldrums always end. You can count on that.

<3

Rules of a Lady

<3

The Road Called Life

 

Wherever you are in life, whatever obstacles you face, don't give up! Keep on, keeping on! Nothing of beauty or worth or value in life is ever captured easily. The tougher the fight, the sweeter the victory.  And remember who fights for you every step of the way!

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Ex 14:13-14

We complicate moments. Hardly anything happens without the mind spinning it up into an elaborate production. It’s the elaboration that makes life more difficult than it needs to be. - Author unknown

<3

When Joy was Hiding in my Closet...

I found joy today hiding in my closet. I am not sure how it got in there or how long it stood there waiting for me, but hark—I opened the door and it burst out upon me in such a messy state of dizzying joy that my spirit quite exploded. Why was I so happy? I was just looking for my shoes...but there it was all the same. Sunshine in my soul!

How simple! How easy! Though always welcomed, how unexpected this joy was! If I found joy in my closet where else might it be?

People rely so heavily upon obscure dates within the future for that mysterious key to happiness. When I meet the right man….when I get married…when I finish school…when I get the good job…when I make more money…when I get to have children…when I retire to some sequestered beach under the sun… 

But personally, I feel, if you cannot find happiness in simple things, natural things, things that doesn’t call for any requirement or duty beyond the present, then how can you ever truly be happy with anything? And though you may not admit it, when you chase after joy it will always run away. For there will always be one more goal to allude your grasp. One more thing to attain that holds the promise of ultimate fulfillment. And in this vague, hopeful promise you believe to find that which will lessen the sting of a rather empty and unsatisfying life…

I don’t mean to say in order to live with a heart full of life you must get tickled over pine-cones or read Jane Austen books or drown in the delightful indulgence of a soft pillow like I do…all I am saying is that when you truly accept yourself, when you feel the steadiness of God’s love, and you learn to completely cast your future into his hands—a peaceful sort of joy will inevitably follow. And though evening walks or balloons or bursting out in random Grease songs may have been fun before, you will be elevated to a new level of enjoyment which will enable you not only to enjoy simple pleasures, but make great pleasures so much deeper and satisfying. 

God means for us to be happy and joyful! Every day he grants me life longer upon this earth the more I am prodigiously confident of this fact!

And thus relates all the thoughts which came upon me when joy burst out my closet!

Happy Summer, Dear Readers!

Hello dear readers!

I wish I might talk to each and every one of you and indulge in your stories about your summer. How fairs it? Is it everything summers should be? Lazy, deep, happy, peaceful--filled with glasses of lemonade, nights where you watch the stars pop of out purple twilight, trips to the beach, movies with popcorn, secret little cap naps in the sun, carnivals and cotton candy?

I must confess, I wish my summer would never end. I had my fears about being stuck here for the whole summer but I say, it is the best summer I have had in years! It is quiet here, few people, but just enough to not make you feel isolated... my work schedule is easy, my friend group is smaller therefore I feel closer to them... My sister and I take evening walks through the campus. Such quiet tranquility! For those who are students, do you know how absolutely fresh and dreamlike the campus is without hoards of nosiy kids bursting from every possible crack in the walls?


I feel so blessed and so happy and so peaceful! I wish summer might never end! It is a healing summer...and I hope my spirit will be fully restored come fall, if it isn't already. Wasn't God so awesome when he decided to give us months of beautiful sunshine and warm whether? I hope all people out there are enjoying their summer! If you, dear readers, indeed are not enjoying your summer, change that this very day! Find your blessings and enjoy the life God has gifted to you. You already have all you need to be happy. And sometimes, I have learned, true happiness isn't found in fancy jobs, or fancy vacations, or busy schedules, or big screen t.v.'s--actually, I would say rarely it is ever found in such things! I believe happiness is found when you are quiet and still, when you breathe in deep morning air and whisper a prayer within your heart. Trust your life to God and enjoy the beauty the around you!

The Next Man in my Life

Since there is no denying the romantic appeal of such fairytale sentiments as “waiting for your prince,” “Knight in shinning armor,” and “living happily ever after,” I shall not dare pretend to ignore that searching for love, or perhaps the ideal of romance is something greatly sought after in people's life.

I remember in the bungling years of my early teens, I had a particular friend who never seemed to be without a beau. Being of a more awkward, taciturn nature I never seemed to be without the intense longing to have a beau…and it bristled the feathers of my proud, quiet little teenage spirit to be unfortunate as to never have one. I remember feeling irritated when my friend once told me, knowingly, in all her fifteen years of wisdom that I was lucky to not have a boyfriend. Because when you don’t have one, you want one. And when you have one, you don’t want one. I almost launched forward wishing her then to give her boyfriend to me and let me try out such nonsense advice, but I repressed the urge.

Nearly ten years later, I review a hall of men, whose portraits hang upon the walls of my mind and lend to me some sort of memory, good or ill. I can’t hardly say I regret my little episodes with these lost loves or disappointed men, they’ve each taught me something tremendous. Some young men have shown me qualities I’d love to keep in my life…others have shown me traits I hope never to see again.

But it is all exhausting! I find the heart is only capable of loving and letting go or loving and sending away so many times before it reaches the point of weariness. The last serious intention of my love life absolutely wore me out… and the current pursuer of my affections is quite nearly driving me to consider a dutiful life of celibacy. Never in my life have I actually wanted to be single…until now. I have absolutely no desire to give another man my heart, currently. It is too ridiculous to imagine something as rigid and fragile as my heart could be given away twice in one year. This silly, dating obsession I find today is just nonsense… people change up who they date like nail polish on the fingers. One week they are in love, the next they are in love with someone else… nonsense!

It would betray my sensibilities to be so shallow. I dare to be alone rather than surrender to artificial relationships for the sake of being liked. I think if you cannot find amusement and true pleasure in the company of yourself alone, then you will never reach true enjoyment in anyone else's…

I pray that God does not bring the next man in my life very soon…oh goodness I need respite from the complications of men.

And that I believe is the very essence of what makes a relationship truly ideal to me. If you might find a man whose company is comfortable and easy, if he is the pleasant, simple, loving sort of soul that does not vex and tire your spirit (as all these men in the past have done for me) then that shall be a man worth keeping! When I meet a new boy, they appear in my mind’s eye as a potential beau… but I have determined my heart shall not be won until I meet a man who appears to me as a potential friend. Natural, easy, and genuine…intelligent and competent…a happy soul who is also completely contented with his own company. Honestly, I believe that once you get to the point where you are willing to give up what you want most, only then will you be mature enough to find it. Because if not, you shall always be desperate and hungry, pursuing romantic ideals because you think you want them, or need them… when in all actuality, you don’t need them at all. You are blessed with them… 

I pray God lets me recover before the next man...and I pray even harder that the next man, might be the last man. For this whole business of love is simply exhausting!

If you cannot tell by the verbosity of my writing, I have been lately watching Pride and Prejudice, and reading it as well. It is quite amazing how in order my mind gets after being exposed to such truths and neatly summarized ideals of love. If only I might always savor the virtuous and satisfied feelings of such pretty literature, then I dare not think a frown would ever again set a shadow upon my face!

The Welcome of Change

Do you ever have those unexplainable, ambiguous feelings that something huge has just changed in your life? And yet, you can’t quite place a finger upon what it is? Something has shifted in my life, these past few weeks. I can liken it to trying to adjust to a new pair of shoes… or it seems as though an incredible mass of unknown substance has moved through the contented corridors of my subconscious. I feel vividly, strongly, and stridently that a foreign entity permeates my own being. I feel most harshly the aftershocks of my new spirit to “let go.” And even worse, I cannot yet tell whether this new outfit of perception is friend or foe. The feeling of irrevocability shakes my fortitude and leaves my soul scrambling to adjust to the magnitude of change that has drifted upon me in such unforeseen ferocity. Do you ever have those moments in life where, upon the tempests of ill-bred fortune, you discover in mind blazing clarity that you have suddenly grown? You’ve reached that crossroads of life without even knowing how you came to get there.  And what wreaked havoc before upon your limited abilities and what threw your spirit into a spiral of grief no longer offers an adequate challenge to your mind. Then spangled across the heavens you find a new constellation to behold: a new scattering of glitter upon the soft, velvety tapestry of life.

  It is like in Kingdom Hearts, when you play the Tarzan boss, Clayton, for the first time. The first round you go at him, he seems utterly impossible to defeat. You die almost instantaneously. But then you go distract yourself with other challenges, like fighting in the coliseums, or looking for those pink boxes in Wonderland, and all the while you are quietly, almost unnoticeably building up your strength. Then, when you face Clayton again, you are strong enough to beat him! The happy thought that fills my brain is that, like Kingdom Hearts, after you go through countless battles and face almost impossible foes, when you revisit old worlds and face the demons which lay within, they seem a trifle to your well-worn warrior hands. When I am at the final stage of battles, lost somewhere in the mysterious nightmarish horrors of the Hollow Baston, if I must revisit Traverse City  the bad guys are so easily conquered that it is stupid. Yet, when I first fought them it wasn’t like that at all.

Isn’t it amazing the lessons one might draw from video games?

My mother told me that when such a stark feeling of change settles upon you, often times that means God has moved you into a new area of your life. The next step, if you will. And though it frightens me a little to think that I must leave behind the old ways, old hopes and old comforts of a life before, it also comforts me knowing full well that if God moves me forward, it is for my own good in the end. 

So welcome new change! Good or evil, mild or grand! I bid you welcome into the fair land of my life and look forward to wherever you might take me!

Story of Your Life

I love to write stories. When I was 14 I began a medieval story about the Backstreet Boys and a princess named Jennie... there were My Little Ponies in this story, a magical wizard that blew a hole in a castle, and a dragon named Brittanie Speare who tried to take over the whole world.

Over the years there have been many other stories in my brain, not quite as ridiculous as that.  Max the toy bean stuffed horse... I left him in the shopping aisle at Toymart, somewhere in chapter 2, along with his red ball of a side kick, Flat, as they battled an evil brigade of shopping carts. There was also the story of Christie, who, after growing tired of her Stepford perfect, 1950's life, realizes that she is actually a storybook character and decides to escape her book.

I would fall asleep at night walking around the plot of my story. Visiting my characters, talking with them, sitting back and watching them fight or fall in love or fall off cliffs... mostly the latter. Like all my stories in my head, the characters grew so real to me that they seemed part of my actual life.

When I grew to the wise age of 18 the Backstreet Boy story morphed into a real place in Liverpool, England. The troubled, jaded heroine of the story, red haired, blue eyed Jennie Olivander fought through the struggles of a broken family. Then enters her life the rugged, loyal hero of the story, Luke O'Connor. This tall, dark haired, green eyed young man from Scotland helped her through her trials and they fell in love, living happily ever after.

Actually, this story is rather weird because I did end up meeting a person who eerily fit the description of my hero later in life. Our story, I am grieved to say, ended much differently than the fictitious version I dreamed up so long ago in my teenage years. But I still shudder sometimes thinking how close my real life touched the realm of Imagination...what are the odds of that, eh?

I think, some days, I prefer my imaginary world, over the real world. Yes, people die, people are hurt, people are eaten by dragons in stories... but there always seems an orderly point to it, a nobility of purpose. Real life is just messy, confusing, and painful. In life you can't count on foreshadowing to give you hints of the ending of something. You can't depend on hidden symbols, or motifs, or themes to make sense of why things are happening. Life just doesn't follow a pattern. And sometimes real life dragons will eat your best friends. Sometimes the ending isn't happy at all. Sometimes the handsome knight will enchant your heart only to decide that you aren't what he wants after all... and he leaves you trapped in your tower because he'd much rather go rescue a prettier princess, in a different castle. And when life strikes such blows, you are left with the broken, bloody pieces of your heart, trying to understand how it is possible to hurt as badly as this.

But then you begin to remember all the things you've forgotten. What it feels like to be free. The dance of joy in your heart when you see how it begins to heal. And on nights that are the blackest, the stars always shine stronger and truer than before. You remember all the chapters you've marched through, all the foes you've defeated, all the little battles in your life that have chiseled and cut and crafted you into a golden piece of refined beauty.  And yes, the Prince Charming may in the end turn out to be the villain, and there may not be a defined ending or a neatly summarized epilogue, but believe me when I say you are living a story. The most incredible story in world, if you chose to view it as such.

It makes you wonder, if the characters in the great stories ever felt as if their own world was as hopeless and messy as yours. And would they, if offered the chance, have given up if they had not been fighting for something stronger, nobler, and bigger than themselves? And like us, they too couldn't see the end, but they fought on, believing firmly that when the final page came it would be worth all the tears and all the miles of pages they toiled through.

And that is how I like to view life. An amazing, beautiful, sometimes tragic, sometimes phenomenal,  fantastic, original, adventurous tale of how you spend your days here upon the earth. You hold the pen. You have the choice. You decide how to write the story of your life! And always remember, as Christians, we have a "happily ever after" waiting upon our final page!