Finding Contentment In All Things....

Mingled within the cool of the night breeze, my soul was captivated by the delicious smell of pine and burning wood. It was a sweet night; humble, soft, little stars peppered the deep blue skies. My every sense was overwhelmed. The air was magical; with every deep drink I drew in I became more inspired to be alive. It was an enlightening moment and I knew that I was on the brink of learning a very important sort of lesson.

I have felt distress lately about not knowing where to live. In a very short while I might be making a more permanent place of my home. I always felt that if I came back to my home state, I would be lonely, never get married, never be happy, or half a million other dark fears.

But this trip has changed all that. I realize how much I miss just being home. I miss the fresh air. I miss the people. I miss being surrounded by lakes and rolling hills and beautiful forests. When I am home I enjoy clarity of mind and the feeling of safety. And for all my doubts about Michigan, my perspective has magically been rejuvenated.

And as for the fears of never getting married or finding someone, it's beginning to dawn on me that when the time is right God will make it happen! All the people who have impacted the greatest change on my life have been introduced to me in some mysterious, sort of unavoidable way. I know this to be true because I actually tried to avoid one of these people, but he persisted until he got my number. But who would have known that little incident would have inevitably lead to me deciding to go to college down south? And how I was so incredibly blessed with that decision!


Crazy, how one thing leads to another, eh?

So I have determined within myself that I shall not worry about getting married. Until I find that someone who I feel crazy about...someone who I feel is my equal, a best friend I can admit into the thoughts of my heart, why worry about anyone else? I've never felt that way about a person and really, it only needs to happen once, right? Such a man will be quite obvious to me, I think. Now is the time to grow and work on my own heart and prepare myself to be who I am going to be for the rest of my life.

And I feel quite happy about this.

It is a very relieving thought when you decide to fall in love when you are ready, not when you are lonely. I suppose I am not extremely lonely, more anxious to get my life settled than actual loneliness. Sometimes, I get the hint that the little aches inside my heart has nothing to do with finding earthly love. Sometimes, I believe it is simply the aches of this life, the longing to be with God, longing to have a stronger faith, the longing to know him, and the realization that this world is not my home; these make up the most painful stings inside my chest. And these feelings will never be fully done away with until I get to go to my true home with God.


And with this too, I feel quite reconciled.

I have learned a good deal how to be patient. There is no hurry in life when you know God is directing you. If God does not change your surroundings, pray that he will change your attitude. With all the little worries about life, the wondering where you will live or what you will do with yourself, we must always remember--our true home is not here! One day we'll understand. One day all those little aches will be gone.

And until that day, I will be joyful and still; at peace and overwhelmingly blessed. God gave me beautiful pine trees, warm sunlight, coffee in the quiet morning, and lots of people to love and help--how could I ever be unhappy?

=)

"I know this, "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

^"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:11-13

^"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Eph 3:20-21

 

Love Pride and Prejudice!

"I am determined that only the deepest love will induce me into matrimony." 

Elizabeth Bennett

I can't wait to fall in love. Not that silly, juvenile love where you blindly think a man is going to fix all your problems. No, I am looking for someone different than that. I am waiting for my best friend. You know that feeling when you first start to like a person and when you think about them you feel that shiver of wild excitement run through you, toes to teeth? Or when just being around person sets your heart free and you realize every second you are blessed with this person are seconds of heaven, seconds of endless joy, seconds that change your life. And there will be no more wandering in that agonizing dance of "he loves me?" "he loves me not?" Because this time, he does love you forever and completely. I know God has someone amazing out there for me. I just must believe it. Some nights I wish he'd hurry up and find me. Someday I will be someone's first choice...and their last choice. I cannot wait <3

Restlessness

Chiefly arising from a childish frustration in which all the grand spectrum of my maturity was exposed as the incomplete puzzle that it is, I felt rather put out this morning. What reasons I might blame for the vile and contemptibly unwelcome spirit I had this morning, I cannot quite say. But, regardless, I may say with shame and regret that I was feeling much anxious and impatient and silly today. Do you ever have those moments when you feel rather idiotic? That you sit there, comatose, drunkenly in a stupor of over-thinking? Where is the off button for the female brain!

I admit, for all my projections of peace and joy, I struggle with a barbarous enemy of restlessness… I feel so antsy to experience everything. I want to see the world. I want to travel to the Grand Canyon. I want to see mountains and great forests. I want to fall asleep on the beach. I want to go to Scotland again. I want to see the Pacific Ocean… I want to see the Hollywood sign. I want to travel on Route 66. I want to see a tornado. I want to touch an elephant. I want to see the northern lights. I want to gallop upon a horse. I want to trek across New Zealand and look for Mt. Doom. As I grow older and more romantically minded I begin to behold God’s creation in such breathtaking awe. I want to experience it all! I feel like half a person, stuck dreaming about the world instead of actually adventuring out into it.  

I feel so anxious to fall in love and live out my Jane Austen-like dreams… the more I see of young men in the world, the more disappointed I am in them. I now understand a teaspoon of what true love must really feel like. It must be a selfless, sincere, pure sort of devotion, a deep and intricate desire to know the well-trodden paths within their mind and the bold chivalry to walk a million miles for the one you love… and even further, I believe love, honest, pure, absolutely true love requires the selflessness to give the other person what they want most…even if that means letting them go. I’ve not yet experienced this kind of love, for sure. Of course boys are swept up in a fireworks spell over my pretty words, or my pretty hair, or my shy spirit—but that means nothing to me.

You might conclude that when the first rich, charming gentleman who is wild about me enters into my life I should jump into his arms and script the finale of my adventures of singlehood. But it seems the older I get, the more unsatisfied I become with the shallow, empty ways of the world and the more I am convinced that only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony. (Did I just quote Jane Austen? Oh, yes, I believe I did). Do you tire of the world? I do. Where they offer a shortcut, I seek the surreptitious twists and secrets of a fairy forest. Where the world offers a glaring neon sign, I seek the blazon canvas of one of God’s magnificent sunsets… When the world offers the chalice of fame, pleasure, and fortune I drink in quiet dreams of peacefulness and a simple desire to do what God has set before me.

 

The more I realize my dreams the more I realize how impossible they seem. Do you ever feel like that? So many pretty things inside and no one can comprehend them. For once it might be grand, to have someone understand that I want so much more than they’ve got planned.

(Did I just quote Beauty and the Beast? Why, yes…yes I did.)

The Next Man in my Life

Since there is no denying the romantic appeal of such fairytale sentiments as “waiting for your prince,” “Knight in shinning armor,” and “living happily ever after,” I shall not dare pretend to ignore that searching for love, or perhaps the ideal of romance is something greatly sought after in people's life.

I remember in the bungling years of my early teens, I had a particular friend who never seemed to be without a beau. Being of a more awkward, taciturn nature I never seemed to be without the intense longing to have a beau…and it bristled the feathers of my proud, quiet little teenage spirit to be unfortunate as to never have one. I remember feeling irritated when my friend once told me, knowingly, in all her fifteen years of wisdom that I was lucky to not have a boyfriend. Because when you don’t have one, you want one. And when you have one, you don’t want one. I almost launched forward wishing her then to give her boyfriend to me and let me try out such nonsense advice, but I repressed the urge.

Nearly ten years later, I review a hall of men, whose portraits hang upon the walls of my mind and lend to me some sort of memory, good or ill. I can’t hardly say I regret my little episodes with these lost loves or disappointed men, they’ve each taught me something tremendous. Some young men have shown me qualities I’d love to keep in my life…others have shown me traits I hope never to see again.

But it is all exhausting! I find the heart is only capable of loving and letting go or loving and sending away so many times before it reaches the point of weariness. The last serious intention of my love life absolutely wore me out… and the current pursuer of my affections is quite nearly driving me to consider a dutiful life of celibacy. Never in my life have I actually wanted to be single…until now. I have absolutely no desire to give another man my heart, currently. It is too ridiculous to imagine something as rigid and fragile as my heart could be given away twice in one year. This silly, dating obsession I find today is just nonsense… people change up who they date like nail polish on the fingers. One week they are in love, the next they are in love with someone else… nonsense!

It would betray my sensibilities to be so shallow. I dare to be alone rather than surrender to artificial relationships for the sake of being liked. I think if you cannot find amusement and true pleasure in the company of yourself alone, then you will never reach true enjoyment in anyone else's…

I pray that God does not bring the next man in my life very soon…oh goodness I need respite from the complications of men.

And that I believe is the very essence of what makes a relationship truly ideal to me. If you might find a man whose company is comfortable and easy, if he is the pleasant, simple, loving sort of soul that does not vex and tire your spirit (as all these men in the past have done for me) then that shall be a man worth keeping! When I meet a new boy, they appear in my mind’s eye as a potential beau… but I have determined my heart shall not be won until I meet a man who appears to me as a potential friend. Natural, easy, and genuine…intelligent and competent…a happy soul who is also completely contented with his own company. Honestly, I believe that once you get to the point where you are willing to give up what you want most, only then will you be mature enough to find it. Because if not, you shall always be desperate and hungry, pursuing romantic ideals because you think you want them, or need them… when in all actuality, you don’t need them at all. You are blessed with them… 

I pray God lets me recover before the next man...and I pray even harder that the next man, might be the last man. For this whole business of love is simply exhausting!

If you cannot tell by the verbosity of my writing, I have been lately watching Pride and Prejudice, and reading it as well. It is quite amazing how in order my mind gets after being exposed to such truths and neatly summarized ideals of love. If only I might always savor the virtuous and satisfied feelings of such pretty literature, then I dare not think a frown would ever again set a shadow upon my face!