I remember in the bungling years of my early teens, I had a particular friend who never seemed to be without a beau. Being of a more awkward, taciturn nature I never seemed to be without the intense longing to have a beau…and it bristled the feathers of my proud, quiet little teenage spirit to be unfortunate as to never have one. I remember feeling irritated when my friend once told me, knowingly, in all her fifteen years of wisdom that I was lucky to not have a boyfriend. Because when you don’t have one, you want one. And when you have one, you don’t want one. I almost launched forward wishing her then to give her boyfriend to me and let me try out such nonsense advice, but I repressed the urge.
Nearly ten years later, I review a hall of men, whose portraits hang upon the walls of my mind and lend to me some sort of memory, good or ill. I can’t hardly say I regret my little episodes with these lost loves or disappointed men, they’ve each taught me something tremendous. Some young men have shown me qualities I’d love to keep in my life…others have shown me traits I hope never to see again.
But it is all exhausting! I find the heart is only capable of loving and letting go or loving and sending away so many times before it reaches the point of weariness. The last serious intention of my love life absolutely wore me out… and the current pursuer of my affections is quite nearly driving me to consider a dutiful life of celibacy. Never in my life have I actually wanted to be single…until now. I have absolutely no desire to give another man my heart, currently. It is too ridiculous to imagine something as rigid and fragile as my heart could be given away twice in one year. This silly, dating obsession I find today is just nonsense… people change up who they date like nail polish on the fingers. One week they are in love, the next they are in love with someone else… nonsense!
It would betray my sensibilities to be so shallow. I dare to be alone rather than surrender to artificial relationships for the sake of being liked. I think if you cannot find amusement and true pleasure in the company of yourself alone, then you will never reach true enjoyment in anyone else's…
I pray that God does not bring the next man in my life very soon…oh goodness I need respite from the complications of men.
And that I believe is the very essence of what makes a relationship truly ideal to me. If you might find a man whose company is comfortable and easy, if he is the pleasant, simple, loving sort of soul that does not vex and tire your spirit (as all these men in the past have done for me) then that shall be a man worth keeping! When I meet a new boy, they appear in my mind’s eye as a potential beau… but I have determined my heart shall not be won until I meet a man who appears to me as a potential friend. Natural, easy, and genuine…intelligent and competent…a happy soul who is also completely contented with his own company. Honestly, I believe that once you get to the point where you are willing to give up what you want most, only then will you be mature enough to find it. Because if not, you shall always be desperate and hungry, pursuing romantic ideals because you think you want them, or need them… when in all actuality, you don’t need them at all. You are blessed with them… I pray God lets me recover before the next man...and I pray even harder that the next man, might be the last man. For this whole business of love is simply exhausting!
If you cannot tell by the verbosity of my writing, I have been lately watching Pride and Prejudice, and reading it as well. It is quite amazing how in order my mind gets after being exposed to such truths and neatly summarized ideals of love. If only I might always savor the virtuous and satisfied feelings of such pretty literature, then I dare not think a frown would ever again set a shadow upon my face!
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